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Charleton Zolawftul

Charlie Zelenoff by Karisean on DeviantArt

Unfortunately, as great as Charlie was in his own mind, he never really came to understand just how great he wasn’t. He’d been up against those that knew nothing about MMA and those that absolutely knew what they were doing. There were moments when he actually managed to get attention of well-known MMA stars such as Rampage Jackson and Ken Shamrock, but when he decided to get in the face of legend Chuck Liddell he found out very quickly that he wasn’t tough or hard in any way. It could have been the fact that Chuck said he’d cave his face in or it could have been that Chuck hit Charlie so hard that he fell through the ropes, but whatever the case was he didn’t have much fight in him after falling through the ropes. He talked a good deal of shit, but when it looked as though Chuck would start chasing him Charlie ran, and that was that.

Well, it would have been that if not for the run-in with the cops that occurred a while back, when Charlie’s parents had finally had enough and called the police on him. It’s not that big of a story really, save for the fact that after so many failed attempts to get other MMA stars to respond Charlie apparently became hard to live with and even violent at times towards his parents and his wife. It got so bad at one point that he challenged his father to fight on video recording. His father, who probably weighed a buck fifteen soaking wet, stated that he didn’t want to fight his son, that he didn’t want things to go so far.

The cops didn’t have that problem.

When they arrived, four of them no less, Charlie was in a mood to be reckoned with. That didn’t really matter to the cops since the four of them took Charlie to the ground in quick order and had him up against a cruiser soon after that. His parents didn’t say anything, his wife didn’t say anything, and for the past three months now he’s been locked up in county, where according to the officer he’s been a model citizen.

Well, he hasn’t tried to fight anyone at least.

The End


To Be Worthy (part I)

Image result for valhalla

“It’s just a crow.”

“No man, that’s a raven, they’re a lot bigger than crows, and smarter from what I hear.”

The snort that came from his buddy irritated Ben to no end as he went back to stabbing pieces of trash on the side of the road, shivering as an icy breeze blew it’s way by, somehow penetrating his thick jacket and hooded sweatshirt to give him a slight rush as he kept walking. The highway the two men were currently walking was long, straight, and bracketed on both sides with thick underbrush that had turned skeletal thanks to the winter weather, and was currently encased in ice and a thick layer of snow that covered the ground and outlined many a branch here and there.

“Let me guess, it means Odin is watching?”

“How did you know that?”

“C’mon Ben, I’ve watched Vikings too, I remember what some of that shit means, even though a lot of it’s bullshit.”

“Like what?”

Their footsteps crunched along the side of the road as they walked over patches of ice, gravel, and at times broken glass and frozen leaves. To Ben it was a horrible sound, almost like they were giants treading upon the broken bones of the fallen.

“Like the vikings back in the day didn’t do everything you see in the show, or wear all the same stuff. I saw it online after watching the show man.”

“And you trust everything on the internet?”

“Some of it,” his buddy, Steve, nodded, “It’s just a show anyway man, they took what they wanted from history and made something out of it.”

“Doesn’t mean that it didn’t get a few things right.”

“You aren’t going to let this go, are you?”

Ben was about to answer when he saw a figure standing well ahead of them, far enough that he wasn’t easy to identify, but could still be seen as male considering the long, bushy beard and mustache.

“Who’s that?” He didn’t know why he asked, as a stranger on the road didn’t really matter all that much, but as Steve looked up he squinted and then looked back at Ben with frown.

“Who’s who?”

(to be continued)

Charleton Zolawftul (part V)

Charlie Zelenoff by Karisean on DeviantArt

There’s no way to be fair when talking about Charlie since he didn’t know what fair was and honestly he didn’t care. This was a guy that went out to fight people to make himself feel better and ended up doing just that when he could sucker punch unsuspecting individuals who thought that he was inviting them into a friendly match. A lot of times Charlie found himself on the receiving end of a beat down that he’d started, and in some cases he managed to worm his way out of a beating while still having the balls to state that he’d won, keeping well away from his opponent at the same time. Some folks just watched him raise his hands and walk away in his mock victory, gladly escaping the bubble of delusion that Charlie continued to live in and that his wife for one reason or another continued to support.

It was when Charlie met an actual MMA practitioner by the nickname of Killah T that he might have gone a little too far, since Killah T decided to go just as far at one point and continued to dog Charlie for weeks on end until finally Charlie’s parents had to file a restraining order on the fighter. Each time Killah T came around he’d be willing and ready to fight, and on a couple of occasions he did just that, taking Charlie to the ground with ease before backing off, laughing at how simple it was. Every time Killah would have a friend with him, there to comment on what pussy Charlie was for running, what a coward he was for talking shit, and what a fool he was for thinking that he’d won after Killah let him up. That was Charlie’s delusion though, and it was what he lived with.

Of course it wasn’t bound to last….

(to be concluded)

The Old Path (Part X)

Wonderful Path | For almost 2 miles this forested path takes… | Flickr

How long ago had it been? One hundred years? One thousand? He couldn’t tell any longer. Oh that was a lie, he could tell just fine, but he didn’t want to. Ever since he’d brushed up against the trickster god Anansi he’d been in this place, stuck here for the duration every time someone transitioned, forced to walk the old path that existed for every deity that had ever been, every one of them that had ever drawn breath in the mortal realm and been counted as a god among their kind. The truth that humans felt but didn’t fully understand was that all the gods existed, not just the one that the single-minded thought ruled the heavens and the earth beneath. Hell, the earth wasn’t even beneath the heavens as one was meant to believe when they were human, and hell, whichever one was fashioned for each individual, wasn’t anything but a personal place designed for every damned soul that was headed its way.

“It’s gwan t’be a fine day eh?”

Baron Samedi, one whom many would call a lord of the dead, grinned at him as he puffed at one of many cigars he’d likely be smoking this day. His ragged top hat was in place as always and his skull paint was just as on point as ever.

“Gotta wonder who’s goin’ t’be takin’ up dis time,” he replied, the drawl in his own voice having come with the power and the ability to spin a tale at the drop of a hat. He’d known of the existence of Anansi, and Baron Samedi, and Hela, Death, Kali, and many, many others he’d come to know in this place over the years, but until this life he’d known very little about them. One thing he knew now, there wasn’t a one among them that didn’t serve a purpose or would shy away from the chance to transition out if they were allowed.

“Maybe you?” Samedi chuckled, “Maybe you gwan make history an’ be the shortest timer here?”

He smiled in reply, “I doubt dat, I certainly do. B’sides, I’ve grown to like it here. It’s peaceful, unlike out there,” he said, inclining his head towards a spot in the forest, beyond the forest.

“Ah gwan now,” Samedi said, puffing at his cigar, “Always a chance… Come, it’s time t’see who done come upon dese woods dis time.”

He nodded, leaning against a moss-coated tree as he could sense the presence of a human making their way along the old path, accompanied by a few gods and goddesses they didn’t recognize, or didn’t know were there, most likely. Grinning to himself, Anansi sauntered after Baron Samedi, smoothing out the lapels of his suit coat as he did.

“Irie,” he said to himself, “It’s time for another story….”

The End

Charleton Zolawftul (part IV)

Charlie Zelenoff by Karisean on DeviantArt

You see, Charlie didn’t know how to deal with defeat. Either his mommy and daddy didn’t teach him how to roll with the punches when life got hard, or he simply didn’t want to listen. His wife certainly didn’t tell him different, but a lot of people have wondered what she saw in the guy in the first place since he’s not much of a fighter and even less of a human being. It’s been a big hope for a lot of people that Charlie might be acting the fool for his YouTube channel all this time, but too many folks have come forward to state that this is just the way he is, take him or leave him.

Well, poor old Eugene likely would have enjoyed leaving things the way they were, but since Charlie came to get his belt back after one of Eugene’s next fights, a fight that ended in a draw of all things, it was made obvious that loss just isn’t in Charlie’s vocabulary. Unfortunately for Charlie it’s a word that keeps getting pounded into his skull every time he decides to act the fool, as he did with Eugene. Catching Eugene in the dressing room after a fight, Charlie asked for his belt back, he demanded his belt back, he even threatened what might happen if he didn’t get his belt back. Know what happened?

Eugene laughed at him. Then Eugene’s trainer and entourage laughed at him. They were still laughing when Charlie swung a wild haymaker that managed to hit Eugene in the side of the face, which had the immediate effect of getting his attention, even if it didn’t do much more than leave a mild bruise over his left eye. Charlie was escorted, forcibly, from the dressing room, while Eugene and his people continued to laugh. To their credit though they didn’t go after Charlie, and as Eugene would say later to someone that asked “It’s pitiful man, he hit me as hard as he could and I’m still standing. Dude needs to give MMA, maybe take up knitting or some shit.”

Oh yeah, Charlie got wind of that, and he even challenged Eugene to another fight. At that point however Eugene was lucky enough to get picked up by a small-time MMA promotion where he found reasonable success, while poor Charlie lost his belt and even more respect, what little there was, as he kept dogging anyone that would listen about a fight. Eventually found a string of fights that made him at least a little famous on YouTube at the cost of his dignity, which to many had a very low asking price.

(to be continued)

The Old Path (part IX)

Wonderful Path | For almost 2 miles this forested path takes… | Flickr

“Just don’t touch any of them unless you’re certain,” said the figure behind him. The two factions were coming closer as they continued to walk, a fact that was causing his heart to flutter as he continued to glance between them. On the right he could see dark, terrible things. Demons, dragons, things he had no name for, things that made his eyes hurt just looking at them, and monstrosities that had no earthly business existing even in the darkest bowers of the imagination. Yet on the right he was struck silent for a moment by the beauty, the grandeur, and somehow the awful but desirable goodness he could feel radiating from that direction.

“What do you mean?” he asked, almost breathlessly.

“The transition can’t take place until you touch one of them. In other words, the first one you touch, that’s who you’ll transition into. And believe me, no matter what they say, every one of them wants to transition. It’s a tiresome job being a deity or a spirit, especially in a world that doesn’t believe as much any longer.”

“But, how…”

“How will you know?” the figure chuckled, “Oh, you’ll know.”

As they continued to walk, more and more individuals started to appear along the side of the path, each one of them leering at him in their own way before railing at those on the other side. He felt dizzy as he tried to keep his eyes on them all at once, finding that it was impossible as the mere presence of these beings left him feeling weak, strong, cold, and warm all at the same time.

“None of them are allowed to touch you first,” the figure stated, “But that doesn’t mean they won’t use other wiles to get your attention.”

“Their, wiles?”

The figure snorted, saying nothing more as they continued forward. His head was swimming as he tried to keep to a straight line, stumbling slightly as he felt his footing grow a little more uneven. And then, just as he’d expected it would, his balance gave out, sending him careening forward, reaching out for the first thing he could, which would hopefully be a tree. What he ended up grabbing felt bristly and even moss-like at first, but as he heard a dark chuckle and shifted his hand the tree moved, and he realized that he’d made his choice, unwitting or not.

“Well then,” drawled a familiar voice, “I do believe it’s time for a story.”

(to be concluded)

Charleton Zolawftul (part III)

Charlie Zelenoff by Karisean on DeviantArt

You see, Charlie did actually get himself entered into an actual MMA match at one point, an actual octagon. It wasn’t for Bellator or UFC mind you, this was a charity match that someone had bestowed upon him for an actual charity, kind of a reason for people to gather around before the actual evening entertainment got started. Charlie was up against a fighter by the name of Eugene Amaritzo, a guy you might not think is much more than a street rat to look at him. Eugene wasn’t in fighting shape but he could bang, he wasn’t a great fighter but he knew how to move, and he had a record of 0-12, at least he did until he met Charlie.

By that point Charlie had proclaimed himself as the all-time greatest champion of UMMAC, what he was calling the Underground Mixed Martial Arts Conference, an entity of his own making. He’d had a belt made up at huge expense to his parents, who he and his wife were still living, much as they are now, and he carried it with him to every ‘fight’ they went to record. He even put this belt on the line at the fight against Amaritzo, stating that he was so confident that he could win that Eugene would be begging him to let him leave the ring. The problem is that Charlie spent too much time focusing on demoralizing his opponent and not enough time on learning all the rules.

Well, as you can imagine the fight came and Charlie was pumped and ready to go. The referee stated the rules, Charlie and Eugene went to the respective corners, and when the ref called for it, they went to war. Or to put it lightly, Eugene went chasing after Charlie in an attempt to take him down, while Charlie was trying to find a way to escape the ring, going so far as to climb up the walls before Eugene, a full head shorter than his opponent, yanked him down and began the ground and pound that Charlie would later claim should have been stopped since he ‘wasn’t ready’.

Oh it was a pitiful fight, as Eugene’s ground and pound couldn’t challenge a beginning fighter let alone someone as ‘great’ as Charlie. And yet it took nearly the whole first round for Charlie to worm his way out of Eugene’s grasp and get back to his feet. From there he attempted to keep the fight in an upright position, punching and kicking ineffectively at Eugene as the smaller fighter took him down again and nearly applied a rear naked choke to poor Charlie, who started pounding the mat, apparently because he was ‘pumping himself up’. Unfortunately for Charlie, he forgot that you just don’t tap the mat in an MMA match unless you’ve had enough.

Eugene won his first victory, and a damned fine belt with gold plating, pronouncing him the new champion of the UMMAC, and improving his record to 1 and 12. And he did it without ever applying that choke hold. As you can guess, Charlie wasn’t too happy about that, and actually demanded his belt back. Huh boy, the story just goes on from there….

(to be continued)

The Old Path (part VIII)

Wonderful Path | For almost 2 miles this forested path takes… | Flickr

“How far are we going?” he asked. They’d left the woman named Morri far behind by now, and had seen no one else for what felt like miles. Yet he wasn’t tired, only weary, as though he’d been awake for days.

“Time works differently here, kind of like you’ve probably heard in the movies,” the being chuckled, “Of course those works get some things right and then butcher the rest. All that noise about me carrying a scythe of all things all the time. Do you have any idea how cumbersome that thing can be?”

The moss-coated woods continued roll by as the old path that had been well worn, as he could see from the rut he was now walking in, meandered this way and that among the trees. As he walked the smells that reached his nostrils varied as he could smell a whiff of sulfur one moment and something akin to clear, cool running water in the next. He did his best not to think, not to imagine just where he might end up, especially since he had a fairly good idea of which way the scales might tip.

“Oh come on now,” the figure said, “You’ve been here longer than many and you haven’t found yourself falling into a pit yet. Some folks wouldn’t mind walking this trail for so long. It means that upper management is having a tough time solving your particular case. It’s not unheard of, but it happens.”

“Could you stop doing that please?” he said, closing his eyes for just a moment.

“What, reading your thoughts? Sorry, but you might as well have a megaphone stuck inside your brain that’s broadcasting everything. To be fair though, this place has a way of amplifying just about everything that’s not buried deep enough to stay hidden.”

A sudden commotion from ahead caught his attention as roughly a hundred yards up the trail he could see several figures on either side of the rut, those on the left somehow glowing as they were back-lit by a strange, hazy light, while those on the right appeared to be standing in shadow. Both sides were bickering back and forth, trading venomous banter from the way they were gesturing and making threatening moves, but he couldn’t understand a bit of it from this distance.

“Well I’ll be,” the figure said as they kept walking, “This hasn’t happened in a while. I didn’t think it’d happen so soon.”

“What?” he asked, having not a clue as to what was going on.

The figure chuckled, “It would appear that you’re going to be transitioned.”

He was struck speechless, but the figure had something to mutter at least.

“That would explain the wait at least….”

(to be continued)

Charleton Zolawftul (part II)

Charlie Zelenoff by Karisean on DeviantArt

I could tell you of the time that Charlie decided to start posting online the record of his fights and taking it upon himself to visit various gyms where he would invite different people to ‘friendly’ sparring matches. Some people of course said no since they didn’t want to fight, some might have seen the wild look in Charlie’s eyes and figured it was better to not get into it, but there were plenty that said yes, much to their chagrin. To his credit Charlie always had a camera person with him, someone with a phone camera to document his ‘greatness’ and ‘technique’ which consisted of trying to take a person’s legs out from beneath them before delivering a ground and pound offense that most ten-year old kids could squirm out of. But Charlie tried, he certainly did.

During several instances Charlie would attempt to get the upper hand the moment that the other person put their gloves on, attacking before the other person could get set. If anyone complained Charlie’s normal reaction was “there’s no ref”, to which most people would admit, there wasn’t. If Charlie was successful, which he never was, he might have had a chance to get someone down and start pummeling them, but the truth is that Charlie’s attempt a double-leg takedown was always pretty easy to see coming and avoid. During one sparring match however the sparring partner managed to get their right knee in the prime spot to strike Charlie right in the nose, knocking him down and dazing him for several moments.

Many guys might have taken the time to make sure their nose wasn’t broken, right? Charlie’s first response was “You lose, that’s illegal contact.”

Illegal contact, in a non-sanctioned fight with no referee….

Yep, that’s the way Charlie fought. The moment he could take advantage he would, but the second that his opponent could fight back, Charlie ran, gave up, or made an excuse. What’s ironic is that during one of his many long and interminable vlogs, that’s video logs for those of you that didn’t know what a vlog was. Now you do, right? Anyway, Charlie swore, he promised, and he put it on his grandma’s grave that he would never quit, run, or make excuses. It might be a little vulgar, but it’s a good thing that Charlie’s grandma is still alive, otherwise she might be spinning in her grave right about now.

Oh, but it gets better, since Charlie’s foray into the MMA did take an upswing at one point…..kind of….

(to be continued)