A lawsuit was brought against a Subway shop in downtown Portland just a few days back when local resident, Jimmy Sodome, became deathly ill from eating a contaminated cold cut combo he’d purchased from the eatery. Jimmy’s live-in, pansexual partner, Hepa Titusinade, alerted local residents to stop shopping from the Subway, but was largely ignored by many when it came out during the investigation that Jimmy had left his sandwich on a windowsill for nearly six hours before consuming it.
“It wasn’t his fault” Hepa commented to reporters, “He got so caught up in his job as a professional protester, we’re both proud liberals so I’m not sure what he was doing at a conservative-run shop that kicked us out for, never mind. It still wasn’t his fault, if the guy had told him to refrigerate his sandwich like they should then it would have been fine.”
Jimmy, who is 35 years old and moved in with Hepa only a few months prior, had been living with his parents, who had pleaded with him to find an apartment of his own when they were asked about their son. Hepa, who is a liberal arts student and part-time protestors and part-time accountant, has refused to answer any more questions upon discovering that the sandwich had spoiled. At this time the lawsuit is still ongoing, but there is little chance that Jimmy will see anything apart from a bill for his legal fees. @reallydog22 tweeted:
Dude, seriously? I’ll bet you’re the type of folks to bring your own hairs to a fine dining restaurant for free meals, right?
The guy is in his 30s and doesn’t know a damn thing about life….future of our country right there, oy.