Local Antifa Group Exposed (parody)

Portland, OR

            Whether Antifa is a terrorist organization or not is hard to say since to start with, they don’t claim to be an organization, which explains a lot, and they claim to be against fascism, which is mildly confusing. Their actions make their mission confusing since they tend to respond to whatever they feel is harmful with annoying chants, protests, and all too often, naked aggression. In the case of one particular group however the game is up as they have been exposed and called out for their ill behavior, and have been charged with intent to harm.

            Recently a small group of friends that have admitted to belonging to Antifa were caught in the back of a meat truck that had stopped off at a local truck stop near Aurora, Oregon. When discovered, the group was locked in the truck until the authorities could come, at which time they attempted to escape, only to find that the twenty minutes it took for the police to arrive left them unable to dash from the back of the truck as the refrigeration unit kept things quite chill, lowering their body temperature and making it impossible for them to move quick enough to avoid capture. Apparently two of them Antifa members threatened to sue the truck driver for imprisoning and traumatizing them, but the presiding judge saw to it that the driver was let off with a fine and nothing else.

            “There’s a number of things they did wrong,” said Officer Al Toomey, “Apart from attempting to poison the meat with an agent we haven’t identified yet, they didn’t have a lookout, they must not have realized that meat trucks have refrigeration units so if they were locked in they were bound to get cold and lethargic, and the penalty for this was bound to be pretty stiff.”

            At this time the group has yet to be sentenced, and have been booked into the Marion County Correctional Facility.

@HaHaDixie tweeted:

            What a bunch of noobs. Keeping a lookout might have helped.

@DiggerDib tweeted:

            Keep ‘em in jail, I’ll pay taxes to keep them in there.