Hospital’s ER Ward Flooded by Protesters with Puncture Wounds (parody)

Astoria, OR

            The local hospital in Astoria was overwhelmed with injuries this past evening, though thankfully none of them were life-threatening. Doctors were still confused as to why every one of the twenty-four cases reported had puncture wounds that turned out to be from a crossbow bolt, at least until the reason was revealed. Weaponsmith and longtime bowyer Alvin Kametta of Astoria, Oregon has had problems of late with protesters, a many have taken issue with a flag that he flies in front of his house stating All Lives Matter Equally. While it’s been deemed a racist and bigoted saying, Alvin did point out that he added the “Equally” part as to distinguish his beliefs. He also had something to say about the incident that led a group of protesters to seek medical attention.

            “Yeah, my sons and I did take aim at whole bunch of people that decided to try and take our flag down. We’re not racists, we believe in people of all color being treated equally, but also receiving equal consequences for their actions. That’s what BLM doesn’t seem to get, that just being black doesn’t absolve you from any and all crimes, but it unfortunately is a huge issue in our country when cops go after black folks for no seeming reason. But I told the first guy to cross onto our property if he came any closer he’d get a bolt somewhere he didn’t like. After that the first one and then the rest of them tried to rush us, but my sons and I practice with our bows all the time, and since our guns were locked up and it might not have been a good idea anyway we took the approach that was the least bound to leave a pile of bodies at the end.”

            Using six different repeating crossbows that the family owns, Alvin and his two teenage sons, Ted and Murdock, kept a small mob of protestors from approaching their home while Alvin’s wife Amy hurriedly reloaded on the front porch. At this time authorities are bit stymied as to how to react, though it does sound as though the protesters will be charged with trespass with intent to harm, while Alvin and his family will not be charged at all.

@FirenTheHole tweeted:

            Good man, damn good for you! Yeah, guns might’ve been a bad idea right now….

@HackitySackity tweeted:

            That was risky man, aiming one of those things as people are rushing you has to be nerve-wracking, but good job all the same.