Elderly Citizen Arrested for Attempted Murder (parody)

Hillsboro, OR

            Sometimes it might be the heat getting to people, or it might be the overall tension that’s been felt by everyone at one point or another. But the current state of things is becoming clear as people are apparently falling apart at the seams. Case in point, Margaret Tillder, an elderly Hillsboro resident, is currently in lockup awaiting arraignment while a small horde of Hillsboro citizens have rallied outside the county courthouse to demand her release. Unfortunately this isn’t bound to happen since Margaret decided to vent her frustrations on a Forest Grove resident by the name of Tanner Fulmont, who as Margaret tells it, cut her off in traffic after tailgating her for nearly a half mile as she was driving the speed limit. While Margaret has already given her statement, we were able to track down Mr. Fulmont, who had this to say:

            “Oh I’ve heard what she said and I’m not too surprised. She was doing 40 in a 45 mile per hour zone and I wasn’t tailgating her, I was trying to get around her. When I did she flipped me off and I just thought little of it since I didn’t need to get into a fight on the road that day. When I supposedly cut her off I was switching lanes and she was about a hundred feet behind me at least, so I’m not sure what her deal was at that point. I did see her drinking something, but I didn’t think anything of it. Now I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised that she pulled a gun on me. But I am thankful the safety was off since it allowed me to knock the weapon out of her hand after she pulled the trigger, or tried to.”

            It was discovered in lockup that Margaret’s BAC was .39, well over twice the legal limit, and that the firearm was licensed to her son, Lionel Tillder, who had been arrested earlier in the year for multiple traffic incidents. At this time Mrs. Tillder is awaiting sentencing, and Mr. Fullmont has apparently gone on with his life, while the crowd continues to demand Mrs. Tillder’s release.

@JuMama tweeted:

            Damn, I thought old ladies were supposed to be sweet and stuff. The world has flipped its damned lid.

@HottaHolla: Old bag, she would’ve been picking up teeth if it’d been me.