Chimpanzees have cleaner beds than humans, say scientists

Chicago, IL

            Contagion movies have their place and time, but there are moments when even the most unbelievable story line tends to affect the wrong person in a profound manner. While it’s been established that most places where people gather have been shut down in an effort to halt the spread of the coronavirus, one individual managed to find his way into the Lincoln Park Zoo where he attempted to enter the chimpanzee habitat. Witnesses, meaning park employees that have been kept on to care for the animals, reported that Melvin “Trip” Spunkmayer, a former employee of the zoo, was shouting expletives at the chimps as he rushed their habitat wielding a broomstick he’d acquired from somewhere.

            “He was yelling at them like they’d done something to him personally,” said Molly Ringer, a current zookeeper in charge of several primate habitats, “He kept saying stuff like ‘not on my watch’ as he tried to get into the habitat. I think I’ve heard that line in a movie somewhere, but we called the cops pretty quick when we saw him coming.”

            Police hit the scene rather quickly and were afforded the chance to hear Trip stating how he believed that the chimps were responsible for the coronavirus, how they were going to kill them all, and on this line of thought for several minutes before they apprehended him. Currently Trip is in county awaiting a court date for breaking and entering with intent to harm. Against the advice of his court-mandated attorney Trip did indicate that he would have never harmed a single animal, but as one can imagine the court of public opinion has found him slightly wanting and has made up its own mind on the matter.

@dizzlyall tweeted:

            This is why you don’t drink the bong water folks.

@xombiezays52 tweeted:

            First people liken the coronavirus to The Stand and now we’re getting a rendition of Planet of the Apes meets Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back….what’s next? For the love of God don’t answer that…

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