May 17th, 2021
Only a couple of months before I received the message from Katie I’d about given up. Despite no longer being a smuggler and a bottom-feeder as I’d come to think of myself I was still a hopeless case that couldn’t get over the guilt of Karl and the idea that I didn’t deserve the chance at a good life. But I hadn’t gone so far as to throw myself off a bridge yet or cut my own throat for a number of reasons, but only one of them that even came close to explaining why I’m here now.
For all that I thought so little of myself, and for all that I figured it was better for me to die, I hadn’t yet given up all hope. I was still fairly sure that there was something I was still here for, otherwise I would have been a corpse in the ground a long time ago. Or maybe I’d be lost at sea or left in a ditch somewhere waiting to be discovered by a hiker or vagrant, who knows. All I know is that as low as I’d gotten, and I was back to the street, feeding myself out of trash cans and looking every day for the freshest stuff that got tossed out, I hadn’t yet decided that it was time to check out.
I picked myself up again on hope though. I was still wracked with guilt and wouldn’t let it go, but I picked myself up again and became a day laborer, much as I’ve done to this point. I just got hired on to a construction company a few months back, after I got the message. How she got my number I’ll never know, especially since I bought a prepaid phone from a nearby Verizon store and have been paying for my minutes ever since. The only calls and texts I get are from work, and those have been few and far in between since I do my best to show up on time and never give them a reason to can me.
I’ve got a small place that’s more like a closet now, but it’s mine. I’ve even got a couple of buddies I hang out with after work sometimes, and it’s all good. But I still keep things pretty close to the chest, and because of that I still don’t know how she found me.
It kind of worries me to be honest, even though I don’t want it to.
(to be continued)