May 17th, 2021
I say it’s brought me to this day because this is the day I was told, the day I was handed about six months ago, and the day I was told to wait for. The directions that were given to me were pretty specific. I was to be in Seattle, at Alki Point Lighthouse, by 8pm.
At the time I received this message I was finally getting my life back together and finding a way to stay on track, so you can imagine seeing her name on my phone was kind of jarring. It’s been so long that I find myself guiltily admitting that she was starting to slip from my mind just a little. I hadn’t forgotten about her, but the effort of remembering everything that had happened back then until now had kind of been taken up by the need to survive, literally.
After getting out of smuggling, which few people ever do with their lives or limbs intact, I was thankfully given a clean break, though my former employers did warn me what would happen if I ever opened my mouth about their business. Given that I don’t think we’ll ever meet again I don’t think relaying it in this fashion will create any problems. I was given just enough to buy myself a bus ticket and a hot meal and sent on my way, no strings attached, payment rendered for a job well done. I still thought about Karl now and again on the bus ride from Victoria to Longview, where I finally ended up, but it was in passing. The guilt hasn’t gone away, and to be honest I don’t think I want it to.
It’d make me believe that nothing I did will matter when the final day of my reckoning comes. So I’ll keep it in mind, or in memory at least.
Did you ever get the feeling that something big was coming in your life? It might not mean that you’re bound for glory or that you’re doing to do something great for the world, but it feels like something monumental in your life is coming all the same. I’ve been feeling that way for the last six months since I got the message from Katie, who’s still using her surname apparently, unless she’s forgotten to change it and is, as my paranoid mind is fearing, happily married with kids and a life.
It seems selfish to think that she would be waiting all this time for me just so she could fulfill this dream, that we might one day meet again and she would be mine, all mine, and I would be hers. That’s a fantasy reserved for fairy tales and movies most of the time, and not something I care to entertain at the moment.
But it’s still a nice thought that managed to keep me going these last six months. Up until the message came I felt like I was running out of reasons to stick around.
(to be continued)