You gave me up when I was too young to remember your face, your touch, or even the sensation of your body next to mine. You gave me up for reasons I’ll never know unless I seek you out.

But what will I find? Will I find you alive, wondering what became of me? Or will I find only a memory,  faded remnant of the person that could not, or would not, care for me when I needed you? That has to be one of the most worrisome parts of this life, that I was unwanted, that I was a burden, that you didn’t care enough to keep me. The hope is that this wasn’t the case, that I wasn’t unwelcome in your life, but that instead you chose to spare me from a life of hardship and pain that I’d done nothing to earn.

The circumstances of my birth will remain a mystery, as will the reason you gave me up. Long have I waited for an answer, and many times I’ve thought of what might happen if I could travel back to that day, to the moment you gave me up, just to push open that door and see you just once, to put in my mind a picture of the one that gave me away.

Yet even in my fantasy I can’t push that door open. My hand reaches the wooden plane, and it stops. In my mind and in my heart I could so easily push that door open, I could barge in and see what you look like, but it wouldn’t be real. I believe in some way that I’m afraid of what I might see, of what might be revealed, and what it would mean for now.

You gave me up. You held me for nine months and then let me go. There will always be a measure of pain, of regret, and of anger at this. The idea that you didn’t want me will always persist, but so will the idea that perhaps you gave me the chance I needed. I will never pretend to know what it’s like to give up a child, as I would gladly die for mine, but there will always be that pain. And I will live with it, so that my children never have to. I will accept the past I don’t know, so that I can give a future to my own children.

You gave me up, I don’t know why and can only guess. But at this point in life there is only one thing I can say.

Thank you for the chance.

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